Are musicians really that clever? Well actually, in my experience, most of them are. However, when they’re incompetent, there really are no limits. If you’ve worked with lots of bands in recording studios, chances are you’ll have plenty of your own hilarious dialogues relating to mind-bogglingly incompetent or just plain nutcase musicians. Here are my top ten favourites…

Singer: (to control room) “I wanna sound exactly like I sound on stage.”
Engineer: “Does that mean he needs more reverb?”
Bassist: “No, it means he needs more whiskey”.

Singer: “Why can’t I hear any guitar?”
Engineer/Producer: “You haven’t got a guitarist.”

Engineer/Producer: “You’re singing out of tune.”
Singer: “No I’m not. You’re playing the MIDI file out of tune.”

Engineer/Producer: “Have you actually rehearsed any of this?”
Bassist: “What d’you mean?”
Engineer/Producer: “You’re staying on the same note even when the track changes key.”
Bassist: “Well, yeah, obviously - I’m the bass player.”

Engineer: “There was a technical problem with that one. You’ll need to sing it again.”
Singer: “What, so you forgot to press record?… I don’t believe this! That’s like me getting on stage and forgetting to sing. How many times have I ever got on stage and forgot to sing?”
Drummer: “What, altogether, or each individual song?”

Producer: "Okay, can I make a suggestion guys?… You’re obviously a bit shaky on this number. Why not record the cover version of Gimme Some Lovin’ first, and then mess about with this one at the end if you’ve got time?…” 
Bassist: "What d’you mean? This is the cover version of Gimme Some Lovin’".

Engineer/Producer: “We’re ready to start. Where’s your drummer gone?”
Guitarist: “Home.”
Engineer/Producer: “Home? Why’s he gone home?”
Guitarist: “He’s forgot to bring his drums.”

Engineer/Producer: “I’ll drop you in on the second verse”
Singer: “It hasn’t got a second verse.”
Engineer/Producer: “Well what are you singing after the first verse?”
Singer: “That’s the third verse. We’ve taken the second verse out.”

Singer: “Whoa-whoooooo, baybee!!… Oh-whoa-whooooo, yeh, whaaaaaaggghhhhhh!….Whhhhaaaaaaaaaaagggghhhhh!!!!”
Studio Assistant: (to producer) “Is there anything you need at all?”
Producer: “Yeah, a f***in’ power-cut.”

Engineer: “Er… I need the bassist next – not the pianist.”
Guy at Piano: “I am the bassist.”
Engineer: “Well can you play the bass then?”
Guy at Piano: “Of course I can, I’m the bassist. But I play the piano on this song – not the bass.”
Engineer: “Yeah; who plays the actual bass on this song?”
Guy at Piano: “The drummer.”
Engineer: “The bloke I’ve just recorded playing the drums?”
Guy at Piano: “No, he’s the keyboard player. The drummer’s not here yet.”

Posted by: Bob Leggitt